I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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