Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
