I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
