I cockslap morals
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.