I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
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Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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