Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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