I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
