I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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