based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
