well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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