bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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