I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
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He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
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no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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