Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
