Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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