Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
