i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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