I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
