My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
