I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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