I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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