Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Randomize
