Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
