So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
