i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
