Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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