btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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