I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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