this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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