It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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