I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
