You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We need to rekindle our bromance
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
