I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
