My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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