the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
