U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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