you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
