You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
