i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
