just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
