just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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