He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
