I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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