no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
