Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
