i love accidental penises.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
