i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
