Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
he puts the penis in happiness.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
