I'm lost and stupid without you.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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