Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
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