I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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