chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I deserve this hangover.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
