I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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