I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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