Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
