I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
COCAINE IS GR8
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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