I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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