You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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